Photo credit: Cienpies Design/Shutterstock

Natalie Portman once revealed that she was “sexualized” while filming Léon: The Professional. Portman was only 12 years old at the time. The actress asserted that this terrible experience always made her afraid of her instincts. [1]

Natalie Portman in her movie debut at age 13 and age 42.

On the family front, Life coach Cat Thao Nguyen shared in Have A Sip podcast number 168 that she had difficulty conceiving, and the baby she was carrying was diagnosed by a doctor in Australia that if born, would not live past 12 months. She questioned her worth when she could not be a mother. [2]

Credit: Have A Sip issue 168, Vietcetera

Female rapper tlinh finds it difficult to be feminine, cannot wear high heels, and feels stiff when making love [3]. During the scandal in early 2024 when posting a photo with the shape of male genitals on Instagram, tlinh found it difficult to balance between being a strong woman in the public eye and living true to her sexuality with the normal desires of a 20-year-old woman.

(Original story by tlinh posted on January 18, 2024:“Celebrities have to accept this and that, they have to maintain an image that does not negatively affect young people. To be more precise, celebrities have to protect the youth from their own toxicity. My music represents me when I go through difficulties and personal thoughts. Suddenly I became a feminist activist, so I must be responsible for all women. If I do something offensive, why does it automatically mean that I hate women? Why does that mean I am a bad person, meaning I do not love women? Why do you assume cheerful people like to joke around to be offensive and argumentative? I’ve told you that I am that way, loving me or not is up to you. No one forces you to like me, so why do you have to talk so much? Your opinions are really the “most” valuable.”)

Photo credit: story of tlinh

Women of reproductive age in Vietnam are afraid of getting married and having children because they fear responsibilities and want to focus more on their careers [4]

Please guess the similarities of these 4 stories?

Your guess is right: it’s a crisis of femininity, because being a girl is hard, it’s no joke.

I. Feminine Crisis and Fundamental Definitions

1. Identity and identity crisis

Just like the difference between sadness and depression, it is normal for a woman to question her roles. However, if she goes through a major change or a stressful time, she will start to pose introspective questions about her consciousness and her identity, and these thoughts will start to interfere with her daily life. Questions arise in her mind, such as: “Who am I? What am I put on this earth to do? Will I be able to settle down in the future with two children, three floors, and four wheels?” Neurons in her brain fire back and forth, making her feel lost on Earth, wondering who she is in this life. These thoughts affect her daily activities, making her become a college zombie and a lethargic person at work, which are symptoms of an identity crisis.

So, what is identity?

The conception of identity originates from the work of developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, who believed that identity formation is one of the most important conflicts that humans face.

Erik H. Erikson (1902 – 1994), a German-born American psychologist, laid the foundations for one of the most famous and influential theories of human development. Although influenced by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, Erikson’s theory focused more on psychosocial development than psychosexual development. He coined the term “identity crisis.”

Photo source: mevasoc.com

It is difficult to define an identity. Erikson himself said that he would not define it in his book “Identity: Youth and Crisis.” According to psychologytoday, identities are relationships and roles that people cultivate, such as their identity as a child, friend, partner, and parent. This includes external characteristics over which a person has little or no control, such as height, race, or socioeconomic class. Identity itself also includes political views, moral attitudes, and religious beliefs, all of which guide the choices a person makes daily. [5]

An identity crisis, or existential crisis, is a time when we struggle with our worth. However, Erikson took on a more positive view, seeing it as a time of intense analysis and exploration of different ways of seeing ourselves. Erikson noted that developing a sense of self was important during the teenage years, however, the process of identity formation and development was not limited to adolescence. Instead, identities shift and change throughout life as people face new challenges and go through different experiences. Therefore, an identity crisis can occur at any age [6]. As we have seen, Natalie Portman had a crisis at the age of 12 when she felt unsafe in Hollywood; rapper tlinh emerged from her crisis after dating her best friend Wxrdie; Vietnamese women aged 25-30 face a crisis when their uterus and society scream for them to have children but their wallets do not allow it; and finally, coach Cat Thao faces a crisis when she cannot fulfill the role of a middle-aged mother, shedding tears of emotions when the people she coaches call her “mother”, in a spiritual sense instead of a blood-related relationship.

Most of the symptoms that his patients and his team experienced, Erikson wrote, were not PTSD, nor were they feigning illness, but rather, through the hardships of war, they had lost the similarity between their identities and their temporal coherence. They no longer had control over themselves as they had before, which, psychologically, meant that they had lost their “self.” Erikson and his team realized that these problems were like an internal war going on in their souls, not due to shock reactions but due to a serious confrontation with themselves and society.[7]

The deep reasons for the female identity crisis, also known as the feminine crisis, lie in the definitions I present below.

2. Gender roles:

The Center for Humans and Nature [8] wrote that: In life, men and women both participate in social activities. However, the level of participation of the two genders in different types of work is different, because of social concepts and norms. The jobs they undertake are called gender roles.

Photo source: https://vnyouthally.org/

Gender roles are the sets of socially expected behaviors of males and females related to the sexual characteristics and abilities that society considers to be male or female (boys or girls) in a particular society or culture. The role of gender is determined by economic, cultural, and social factors.

Women and men often have three gender roles: the productive role, the reproductive role, and the community role.

Productive role: This refers to work. Both women and men can participate in production activities. However, due to social prejudices, their level of participation is not the same, and the value of their work is not recognized the same. Society values ​​and appreciates this role because it generates money.

Reproductive role: the activities of giving birth, caring, nurturing, educating, etc., that help reproduce the population and labor force. These activities are essential because food doesn’t cook itself, dishes do not wash, clothes do not clean themselves; we cannot go to work naked with a sheet of paper on, like John Cena, and even John Cena needs to eat, sleep, and rest, not an American robot. These activities help ensure the sustainable development of the population and labor force; they take a lot of time but do not generate money, so they are rarely considered “real work”. They are done for free and are not accounted for by economists. Most women and girls take on the primary roles and responsibilities in reproductive work; however, society often does not value or appreciate this role.

Community role: the activities that care for people outside the family, such as visiting and supporting families affected by disasters, such as natural events; cooking or arranging temporary shelter for families who have lost their homes; etc. Community work is important in developing the spiritual culture of the community. Sometimes it requires voluntary participation, is time-consuming, and payment depends on the organization. Both men and women are able to participate in each of the three roles. However, in many localities, women almost always have to take on the reproductive role and are also heavily involved in productive activities. The burden of housework on women prevents them from participating actively and regularly in community activities. As a result, men have more time and opportunities to take on community roles and rarely participate in reproductive activities.

In summary, men dominate in the productive and community roles, while most women take on the productive and reproductive roles. The influence of the reproductive role is more limited in scope than that of the community role, which is why women are considered the ‘weaker sex’ and are seen as having less impact on society than men – a part of gender bias.

Photo source: https://shedefined.com.au/

According to the division of these three roles, we can see that Natalie Portman and coach Cat Thao have problems because of their reproductive roles. If the Black Wwan actress is sexually objectified because Hollywood believes that women and girls only have that unpaid role, then Cat Thao and her case of not fulfilling the reproductive role, which is, giving birth, brings her one of the biggest crises of Asian women: not being able to be a mother.

Sexualizing women and framing half the world as walking wombs is a stubborn gender stereotype.

So what are gender stereotypes and why do they have such a widespread impact?

3. Gender stereotypes:

Article 5 of the Law on Gender Equality [9] stipulates that gender stereotypes are biased and negative perceptions, attitudes, and assessments of the characteristics, positions, roles, and abilities of men or women. 

Gender stereotypes represent people’s beliefs about what men and women are capable of and the types of work they can or should do; they are characteristics that a community or society assigns to men or women. 

In reality, the division of labor in many societies tends to be based on gender characteristics. Accordingly, the work individuals undertake affects their position, opportunities, and quality of life, which is part of gender stereotyping. For example, in the past, STEM fields were considered suitable only for men, and the ratio of men to women was quite different, even though women were capable in this field. With the right opportunities, women can develop similarly to men. For instance, Ada Lovelace is recognized as the world’s first computer programmer and is honored as a pioneer for women in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics) fields [10]. Another example is Ukrainian mathematician Viazovska, the second woman in the history of the Fields Medal to receive this “Nobel Prize in Mathematics” honor [11].

Photo source: Shutterstock

Like all forms of prejudice, gender bias places pressure on both sexes, especially women. Gender bias promotes the idea of ‘respecting men and devaluing women,’ causing women to feel inferior, complacent, lacking courage, and lacking confidence in family life and society. This contributes to women enduring domestic violence and is also linked to the current gender imbalance at birth in Vietnam, which was 111.5 boys for every 100 girls in 2022. 

Gender bias assumes that women must handle housework and childcare—time-consuming but unpaid tasks that belong to the reproductive role—thereby limiting women’s opportunities for education and community involvement, which are part of the productive and community roles. This dynamic lowers women’s economic and social status compared to men. 

Eliminating gender stereotypes will help women participate confidently in higher education, engage in social work, and share family breadwinning responsibilities with men. In addition, it will elevate the status of women in both the family and society, while also helping to reduce the gender-based loss of dignity associated with birth ratios. Finally, breaking down stereotypes will promote the potential of all family members, contributing to the development of a well-rounded family and a civilized society.

II. In most cases, women are often victims of identity crises, why?

Society teaches girls that a woman’s worth is measured by her husband and children as if they are the answer to all her problems—as if earning a master’s degree or doctorate, finding a job that matches her strengths, and pursuing her passions are secondary. This perspective leads women with husbands, children, and stable finances to feel lonely, unusually tired, bored, unable to concentrate or to cry for no ‘important’ reason. 

In one of the most important passages of his book Identity, Youth and Crisis [12], psychologist Erik Erikson refers to the concept of ‘genital trauma,’ which is the sense of loss that women, especially during childhood, experience upon recognizing gender differences, leading them to feel inadequate compared to men because they lack a Y chromosome. This awareness can foster feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and even self-hatred, due to being born into a culture of male chauvinism.

Secretly, women envy men because patriarchy favors men. Photo source: https://www.cosmo.ph/

However, over time and through different stages of psychological development, women may transition from focusing on the perceived inadequacy of their anatomy in a male-dominated society to recognizing and developing their inner potential. Instead of focusing on what they lack, they may begin to appreciate their unique attributes (uterus, ovaries, and vagina) and recognize the value of their femininity.

This process may also involve a shift in perspective on relationships, moving from feelings of resentment toward their mothers and other women to a more inclusive and nuanced understanding of the female experience. Rather than viewing their mothers as the source of their lack, women may come to see them as sympathetic and supportive figures who share an understanding of the female role.

Another important part of this development is a shift in their approach to activities and roles in society. Rather than remaining passive or rejecting ‘masculine’ activities, women can confidently pursue activities aligned with their identities and roles. This can be a significant factor in building self-confidence and self-satisfaction.

Ultimately, Erikson suggests that understanding pain is not only part of the human experience but also a unique aspect of the female experience. Rather than viewing pain as negative, women can learn to see and understand it as an inherent part of being alive and engaging with the human experience. 

To gain this perspective, women must undergo a crisis of femininity.

III. Signs of feminine crisis:

Photo source: https://kaurlife.org/

According to verywellmind.com [13], in Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development, an identity crisis often emerges during the teenage years, when individuals struggle with their sense of self and feel confused about their roles.

A person experiencing an identity crisis may be preoccupied with the following questions:

– What am I passionate about?

– What spiritual beliefs do I hold?

– What are my values?

– What is my role in society or purpose in life?

– Who am I? (This question can relate to many aspects, such as relationships, age, or career.)

Importantly, the person experiencing the crisis should be aware that negative feelings about themselves or their life can be early signs of depression. If an individual also experiences symptoms of depression such as low mood, loss of interest, fatigue, or irritability, it is highly recommended to speak with a healthcare provider.

In today’s rapidly changing world, identity crises may be more common than they were in Erikson’s time. Such crises often occur when there is a sudden change in a person’s life. This can include changes in personal life or broader social events, such as the COVID-19 pandemic.

People often experience an identity crisis at different points in their lives, especially during times of major change, including:

– Starting a new relationship

– Ending a marriage or partnership

– Experiencing a traumatic event

– Having a child

– Learning about a health condition

– Losing a loved one

– Losing a job or starting a new job

– Moving to a new place

Research suggests that various factors can influence the likelihood of experiencing a midlife crisis. Factors such as health problems, stress, and social support can all play a role.

Additionally, having mental health conditions such as depression, mood disorders, or borderline personality disorder can increase the likelihood of experiencing an identity crisis.

IV. How to solve the feminine crisis

According to Erikson, an identity crisis is not an illness but an opportunity to cultivate a true sense of self and purpose.

There are several ways to navigate an identity crisis, including the following:

Acknowledge your feelings: The first step to resolving any issue is recognizing that it exists. During this sensitive period, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that it’s okay to face challenges, and treat yourself as kindly as you would a close friend. Remember, the self can often be one’s toughest critic. If a friend spoke to you the way you criticized yourself, the relationship likely wouldn’t last.

Explore your beliefs and passions: When you find yourself questioning who you are, it can be helpful to look inward and reflect on the things that excite you. This is an opportunity to explore what truly matters to you and let go of interests that no longer resonate. Asking questions and trying new hobbies or interests can be valuable for gaining a deeper understanding of yourself.

Learn about diverse perspectives and interact with different people: Broadening your understanding of life by learning from others’ experiences can be transformative. Reading new books, watching diverse films, attending different religious or cultural events, and exploring self-discovery strategies can aid in personal growth. I recommend books like 30, Everything Has Just Begun by Ly Thuong Long, and A Book About Minimalism by The Present Writer. Additionally, exploring concepts like Ikigai and Stoicism can be enlightening during this journey.

Reassess your goals: Take some time to reflect on your life goals. What do you want to achieve? What hobbies bring you the most joy? An identity crisis may indicate that an important need is unmet, so working to fulfill that need can lead to a more satisfying life.

Consider the impact of cultural and family norms: Reflect on how these norms influence you, and identify which roles you want to embrace or reject.

Seek support: Having friends and family to lean on can be incredibly valuable. Strong social support plays a key role in mental health and provides the feedback and encouragement needed to feel secure in your identity. Friends, family, social groups, religious communities, team sports, support groups, and psychologists can all offer the support you need.

V. How 3 generations of Vietnamese women overcome the crisis of femininity:

In my family, three out of four people are women. This is the story of our identity crises.

Three Generations of Asian Women – Photo Source: maruco – Shutterstock

1. Me – Generation Z

Illustration: AI

After a long period of unemployment and reflection on my career, I regained my health and spirit by writing on Spiderum, where I discovered my passion for writing. I realized I had been racing to follow society’s expectations, pursuing popular industry trends, and neglecting my own abilities. Accepting myself and recognizing my strengths, along with the support of the community on Spiderum, helped me regain the confidence to overcome my crisis.

Another significant factor in overcoming this quarter-life crisis was love. As someone actively swiping right on Tinder and Bumble, I found a compatible source of spiritual support. He reminded me of my deadlines, encouraged me to live confidently by my values, and praised even my small victories.

Leaving the city to return to the peace of the countryside was also a healing experience. People here care about me, ask how I’m doing, cook delicious food, and even give me money despite not being wealthy. In the countryside, people care about each other more. They also live at a slower pace than in the city, and you’re free from the constant sound of car horns whenever the light turns green.

2. My sister – Millennials aka Generation Y

Illustration: AI

The second woman in my family is my sister. She had a crisis in 2020, the year she turned 30. She celebrated her birthday amidst the COVID pandemic, spending 40 million VND (instead of the usual 10 million) to fly on a rescue flight from Japan to Vietnam and quarantine in a hotel. At the time, I wondered why my sister hadn’t tried to become a Japanese citizen, as I might have chosen that path. However, I later realized that to become a Japanese citizen, she would have had to give up her Vietnamese citizenship. Perhaps my sister’s connection to Vietnam and to our family runs deeper than mine, which is why she wasn’t willing to give up her Vietnamese identity. In Vietnam, she has family, friends, and familiar surroundings. In a chaotic era, when wealth differences matter less—as seen during COVID-19—life and family take on greater importance. 

One time after COVID had passed, I visited her room and saw the book 30 Years Old, Everything Has Just Begun by Ly Thuong Long on her bed. 

(This book also accompanied me when I returned to my hometown during my own crisis at 25. As I read it, I thought about life and about authors like Mark Manson, who started writing at age 27 [14], and Haruki Murakami, who began his writing career at 30. Their journeys reassured me that it’s never too late if you keep moving forward.)

Some might say my sister wasted years studying Japanese without seeking citizenship, but Japan has invested significantly in Vietnam. During Covid, she found a company with good benefits, fulfilling her role in production. Regarding the reproductive role, she follows nature and fate. Much like Ariana Grande’s appreciation for animals in her song We can’t be friends (wait for your love), my sister finds joy and comfort in caring for her pet cat. She accepts her position as the main breadwinner in a family with two retirees and a mentally ill person, without allowing societal expectations to diminish her own sense of value.

Women before and after love. Source: MV We can’t be friends (wait for your love) – Ariana Grande

3. My Mom – Boomer Generation

Illustration: AI

The last and most important woman in the family is my mother. After retirement, she struggled to adapt to her new life. During this period, everyone needs to feel useful. Following an argument, my sister told my mother that she needed to live for herself. Perhaps it was the first time in her life that someone had said this to her.

After some time, she began to find joy in cooking and preparing beautiful vegetarian dishes for family gatherings, which she would then post on Facebook and Zalo. Another source of joy for her is joining a morning exercise group. She wakes up every day at 5 a.m. to practice tai chi with this group. They often schedule photo sessions on holidays and provide her with valuable mental support.

I believe much of her sadness stems from feeling inadequate as a mother because her eldest daughter is over 30 and still unmarried, and her youngest child is mentally ill and unemployed. However, after being encouraged to live for herself following decades of focusing on her husband and children, her outlook improved greatly. Our family also found a low-effort product with a long shelf life for her to sell: honey.

VI. Conclusion

Through the three examples above, we can see that identity crises occur as a consequence of ‘internal change or social disconnection’ (Josselson, 1998, p. 28). Thus, they are inherently linked to external societal expectations, as individuals question and struggle with themselves during an identity crisis. Women can successfully build their identity by being alone, isolating themselves from social norms, and challenging the institution of marriage, which has been firmly established by society. This idealization of marriage leads to women becoming ‘internally confused’ due to ‘the difference between the image promoted by the ideology of the time and the reality of femininity’ (Martins, 2011, p. 31). [15]

The answer to the existential crisis lies in putting aside the impositions of society and living for oneself. For example, I abandoned the rules of how a 26-year-old woman should live, choosing a production role that suited me. My 34-year-old sister accepted her own value by becoming the main worker in the family. At 61, my mother embraced her role as a caregiver, the reproductive role, and began living for herself. These are the ways in which three women from three different generations overcame their existential crises.

What about you? How did the women around you experience and overcome their identity crises? How can we join hands to create a new, better future for generations of women so that they no longer have to face such crises?

REFERENCES

[1] Theo, Linh. “Natalie Portman: “Trẻ Em Không Nên Làm Việc ở Hollywood.”” BAO DIEN TU VTV, vtv.vn, 28 Nov. 2023, vtv.vn/van-hoa-giai-tri/natalie-portman-tre-em-khong-nen-lam-viec-o-hollywood-20231127113222626.htm. Accessed 29 Mar. 2024.

[2] Vietcetera. “Chúng Ta Có Đang Sống Bởi Đánh Giá Từ Người Khác? – Cát Thảo Nguyễn, Life Coach | #HaveASip 168.” YouTube, 22 Mar. 2024, www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODlTSOkNgyo&list=PLWrhnsc6Cvcrp7HmEWu8q0p95pRyGmpHi. Accessed 29 Mar. 2024.

[3] Vietcetera. “Ai Giật Dây Những Con Rối Tlinh? – Rapper Tlinh | #HaveASip 120.” YouTube, 21 Apr. 2023, www.youtube.com/watch?v=taXHl_EhmeA. Accessed 29 Mar. 2024.

[4] Vân Sơn. “Đầu Tàu Kinh Tế TPHCM Có Nguy Cơ Giảm Tốc: Vì Phụ Nữ “Lười” Sinh Con.” Báo Điện Tử Tiền Phong, Báo điện tử Tiền Phong, 28 Dec. 2022, tienphong.vn/dau-tau-kinh-te-tphcm-co-nguy-co-giam-toc-vi-phu-nu-luoi-sinh-con-post1499191.tpo. Accessed 11 Apr. 2024.

[5] “Identity.” Psychology Today, 2024, www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/identity. Accessed 10 Apr. 2024.

[6] Erikson, Erik H. Identity: Youth and Crisis. New York, W.W. Norton & Co, 1968.

[7] Erikson, Erik H. Identity: Youth and Crisis. New York, W.W. Norton & Co, 1968.

‌[8] GIỚI và GIỚI TÍNH TÀI LIỆU THAM KHẢO 2.2.

‌[9] thuvienphapluat.vn. “Luật Bình Đẳng Giới 2006.” THƯ VIỆN PHÁP LUẬT, thuvienphapluat.vn, 28 June 2023, thuvienphapluat.vn/van-ban/Quyen-dan-su/Luat-Binh-dang-gioi-2006-73-2006-QH11-15866.aspx. Accessed 10 Apr. 2024.

‌[10] Huy, Tử. “Cuộc Gặp Thay Đổi Cuộc Đời Nữ Lập Trình Viên Đầu Tiên Trên Thế Giới.” VietNamNet News, Vietnamnet.vn, 2023, vietnamnet.vn/cuoc-gap-thay-doi-cuoc-doi-nu-lap-trinh-vien-dau-tien-tren-the-gioi-2119349.html. Accessed 10 Apr. 2024.

‌[11] News, VietNamNet. “Trò Chuyện Với Người Phụ Nữ Thứ Hai Giành Được Giải Thưởng Fields.” VietNamNet News, Vietnamnet.vn, 2022, vietnamnet.vn/tro-chuyen-voi-nguoi-phu-nu-thu-hai-gianh-duoc-giai-thuong-fields-2039352.html. Accessed 10 Apr. 2024.

[12] Erikson, Erik H. Identity: Youth and Crisis. New York, W.W. Norton & Co, 1968.

[13] https://www.facebook.com/verywell. “Could You Be Experiencing an Identity Crisis?” Verywell Mind, 2023, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-an-identity-crisis-2795948#toc-coping-with-an-identity-crisis. Accessed 10 Apr. 2024.

‌[14] ‌Manson, Mark. “40 Life Lessons I Know at 40 (That I Wish I Knew at 20).” Mark Manson, Mark Manson, 9 Mar. 2024, markmanson.net/40-lessons-at-40. Accessed 10 Apr. 2024.

‌[15] ‌buran, Sümeyra. “An Identity of One’s Own: Feminist Ideology and Identity Crisis of an Academic Woman in a Postmodern…” ResearchGate, SOYLEM Filoloji Dergisi, 17 Oct. 2020, www.researchgate.net/publication/347412701_An_Identity_of_One’s_Own_Feminist_Ideology_and_Identity_Crisis_of_an_Academic_Woman_in_a_Postmodern_Feminist_Fiction. Accessed 10 Apr. 2024.

 

 

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